Confessions Of A Seasoned Furniture Flipper
Confessions Of A Seasoned Furniture Flipper
I honestly hate the term furniture flipper; I don’t flip furniture. I’m a designer. I reimagine furniture and I put a lot of thought into it. I don’t drill a pass-through hole in an old wardrobe and call it an outlet. It’s a hole!
The cringiest thing is the old lady funk. Old furniture smells, anyone that’s says otherwise is a liar. I tell every client before I work on any piece of furniture, I wipe it down with vinegar sit it out in the sun to dry out and repeat. I cannot stand sanding down a piece of furniture and having old lady funk dust on my clothes and hair.
I literally vomit in my mouth when I see a reel that says I flipped 5 pieces of furniture in 2 days. Then the person sprays right over the drawers, doors and hinges. WHAT! Don’t be lazy, break that shit down, wipe that shit down and spray it separately. DON’T BE GROSS!!!! I don’t care if you shove a glade warmer in the pass-through hole, it’s going to smell.
Instant gratification has killed true craftsmanship. Wood working is an art, shaping, chiseling and sanding are skills taken for granted. Sure, I can slap a coat of chalked paint over a lacquered piece of furniture, but why would I? It’s going to flake, peel, crack and rub off from body oils wherever its frequently touched. Long before I started selling furniture, I refinished my own pieces. I was pissed I didn’t take more time prepping my pieces before I slapped that coat of paint on it because I bought into those youtubers diy videos.
When I first started out, I refinished several pieces of furniture my client’s purchased from other sellers that were rushed. I got to a point where I had to say no., I was tired of stripping paint off hinges and handles because someone wanted to make a quick buck. I design my own pieces I don’t have time to play fix it for insta flippers flipping large furniture in a day. NO, Ew!
I’m so over that process I won’t even buy a previously painted piece of furniture. No Gracia! I don’t want to mess with whatever is hiding under that blanket of chalk paint. I don’t care if it’s Annie Bell Diva the fuck ever paint. It’s a hot ass funky mess and I want any part of it.
TRUE STORY
I affectionally call this ugly dresser. I bought this sad little piece for $5 on the marketplace. It was already painted black and gray with this odd upside-down applique on the drawer. When I picked it up, I realized why the seller was giving it the fuck away. She had that shit sitting at the end of her driveway when I pulled up. She picked it up like Hulk and tossed it into to my vehicle for me. I swear I felt her nudge me like she was shoving me off before I changed my mind.
It looked all cute and photoshopped in the picture, but it was… not. It was painted with high gloss paint; the brush strokes were thick and streaky. The white showed through the black and gray paint. It took forever to get that crap off. What was underneath was even worse than the tar that was slathered all over it. The entire piece was over sanded, the parts that were wood had no visible grain and the formica top was worn down by the sander.
After I scrapped away all the shit and saw the disaster under it, I was done. Normally I’d remove the outdated skirt footing or square it up. I had plans to remove the wood applique, but I was too terrified. For all I knew it was hiding a hole or a portal to another dimension. I didn’t want to release a troll or whatever might have been sealed off behind that sad little thing.
As you can tell it did not want to take the paint. I felt like my best option was to make it rustic and pray someone let me throw it at their vehicle like the seller did to me before they changed their mind.
The buyer actually loved it and wanted a matching armoire. So there truly is a buyer for every piece.
Do you remember walking the halls in high school and the smell that permeated had high notes of axe and bath and body works body spray and low notes of funky teenage boy musk and sweaty crotch? Don’t do that to your furniture.
I nitpick every piece I build or refinish. There is always something I think I could have done better, but I can always say I cleaned every piece from top to bottom, inside and out. My wallpaper is always on point and my ratan isn’t all chueco, looking like my armoire has Bell’s Palsy.
The vast majority of these viral flipper reels are people endorsing products. They spend more time editing their videos than they do “working” on their furniture.
Full disclosure, even if I got a piece of furniture off the side of the road, the time I put into reworking it is just as valuable as the materials I purchase. Labor is a factor for my business just like it’s a factor for every other major company or corporation.
Before & After
